maladapted social comparison

The psychologist and author of Affluenza, Oliver James, told me in an interview that ‘human beings can be tempted by the ultimate in satanic ways of social esteem, of wanting to feel that they are successful in relation to their fellow man, and that those comparisons can be manipulated in such a way as to become central to one’s whole purpose.’

Heavy stuff, but fascinating nevertheless: ‘social esteem’, if I understand him correctly, is something we can fall for (and not something we should naturally accept as normal); in comparing ourselves to others, we leave ourselves vulnerable to believing that the outcome of such comparisons should drive our ultimate quest for success in life.

This is what he calls ‘maladapted social comparison’ – which can be dangerous and debilitating. The crucial thing is to ask whether your motives for craving money or high social status or fame (which are, in themselves, ‘neutral’) are intrinsic or extrinsic. Intrinsic motives are more spiritual, inward; extrinsic are about the surface appearance of things.

James is a child psychologist. ‘In the first six years’ he said, ‘it’s very possible to care for your children in such a way that they are extremely vulnerable to feeling insecure and to all the social prizes that are around in our society.’ We set our children up to compare themselves with everyone around them.

And what we learn in childhood, we take into adulthood. We compare ourselves relentlessly with those around us – our looks, our things, our intellect, our likeability – and we constantly find ourselves wanting. We find ourselves wanting more and more, to keep up with the Joneses, to prove that we have what it takes, to demonstrate to a watching world that we are outwardly successful in comparison with everyone else.

James, who spent time researching the effects of maladapted social comparison for his books Affluenza and Selfish Capitalism, did see an antidote, however.

An intrinsic, spiritual understanding of who you are can have great benefits. ‘I have to say,’ he confessed, ‘that I was really surprised, again and again, to find spirituality (while not being the only thing) was a significant component in helping people. People who go to church or who are spiritual and ethical – they quietly infect everybody else. That really interests me.’

Perhaps that’s because our spiritual intelligence tells us that if we compare ourselves favourably with others, we savour their lower status as well as exalt our own. In a culture of comparison, you need those who compare less favourably, in order to see yourself (and be seen) in a favourable light.

Extrinsic social comparison feeds our paranoia and insecurity. It looks at the surface of things and fails to take us deeper, into the realm of celebrating our incomparable uniqueness, as individual, inter-connected people made in the image of God.

It’s different, of course, to look at the intrinsic worth of others, and to ask searching questions of yourself in the light of the way other inspiring people live. We must remember to awaken to the motives for comparing ourselves to others. One is about looking good, seeming successful, attaching ourselves to outward trappings; the other is about inner growth, being well, and detaching ourselves from the things that hinder.